Would you describe yourself as “Married and Alone”? Do you feel like your spouse is more of a roommate than a husband/wife? Do you feel like your spouse constantly pushes you away? Do you feel like no matter how much you give in the relationship, there is constant disconnection?
Intimacy Anorexia could be the cause!
Intimacy Anorexia is a term coined by Dr. Douglas Weiss, Clinical Director at Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He defines the characteristics of intimacy anorexia as follows:
- Busy: staying too busy so you don’t have time for your spouse
Examples: cleaning, volunteering, working, TV, phone, video games, friends, children, sports. - Blame: blames spouse for issues in the marriage, justifies their own behaviors, doesn’t take responsibility for their part
Examples: “she’s overreacting” “if we had sex more I wouldn’t have to cheat” “she talks too much” - Withholding love: to not love someone the way they want to be loved
Examples: can’t say “I love you”; doesn’t help around the house; doesn’t go for walks, doesn’t leave notes. - Withholding praise: doesn’t sincerely compliment their spouse in private—may praise in public
- Withholding sex or connected sex: sometimes years, feels like it could be sex with anyone.
- Withholding spiritually: regardless of faith or beliefs: example: Will connect with other spiritually but not with you (prayer, mediation, devote spiritual time together).
- Withholding feelings: unwilling or unable to share, they can turn it on for a short period of time.Examples: focus on material things or work, feeling like you don’t really know your spouse or what they want, you only see an expression of anger or joy.
- Criticism: can be made-up or constant, spoken or unspoken. Examples: told you have bad ideas, puts you down in private or in front of others, “jokes”, sarcasm, notices everything you do wrong, binge attack at birthdays, holidays and before vacation to keep distance.
- Using anger/silence: outbursts, passive-aggression, silent treatment.Examples: feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, an abrupt agreement just to end a difficult conversation, silence until the spouse apologizes.
- Controlling with money: to shame spouse, least used tactic.Examples: criticizing spouse for spending but the anorexic buys whatever they want—(dinners with family and who pays), gives spouse an allowance, withholds financial information, abundance so the spouse won’t ask for intimacy, or complain.
If you can relate to 5 or more of these characteristics, its likely that intimacy anorexia is slowly killing your marriage. I KNOW, I LIVED IT. Here’s the absolute truth: you can heal from this cancer in your marriage. Let me help you move from lonely to loved!
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